Let's Talk About Sex
by ChewyKookie
Summary: There's a moment of complete silence, and then he hears it: "Where do babies come from?" Levi promptly chokes on his tea. "I…what?" He waits a beat. Then two, then three. She stares at him, as if truly expecting an answer. "...You've got to be shitting me." Prompt: Levi struggles giving Mikasa the talk, and Mikasa is amused.


_Prompt: Hi! could you do this prompt? Im always seeing fics where Mikasa doesn't know about "where babies come from" so, I think it would be funny to read one where she does know, but Levi think she doesn't, so it's all awkward for him, so to mess with him, she explains to him where babies come from._

 **This is so late, I'm so sorry for the wait Anon! This one was actually hard to write, and i altered the prompt the tiniest bit- but i hope, at the very least, that it's a fun read. Enjoy!**

* * *

It amazes him, sometimes, how she can still act like a brat, even after growing so exponentially over the years.

Mikasa slams her fists against his desk, beyond pissed, "You can't do this!"

Levi drinks his tea and watches her, unimpressed by her tantrum. It's not that he doesn't appreciate her skill, or dedication, or her occasionally pleasant company. If he's completely honest with himself, he's actually more fond of her than he probably _should_ be.

She still manages to irritate him, regardless. "I can, and I am. You gave us all a scare with that little stunt you pulled today." His gaze falls back to his reports disinterestedly, "You're suspended until further notice."

Her glare only intensifies further, "That's unfair, and you know it. You can't expect me to blindly follow your orders when I _know_ I'm needed elsewhere."

"Actually, that's _exactly_ what I expect." He pins her with a withering glare, papers momentarily forgotten."I give an order, and you _follow_ it, Ackerman. I thought the concept was rather simple," he says, appraising her mockingly, "but apparently you _still_ don't understand, even after all this time." Knowing it'll get a rise out of her, he adds, "Grow up, and get your shit together."

He's right. Mikasa bristles, clenching the fists now at her sides,"I'm not a _child_ -"

"Then next time, don't act like one." Frustrated, she grits her teeth and looks away, knowing nothing she says will change her circumstances. Levi's expression softens momentarily before he sighs, a little tiredly, "Go back to the infirmary, Mikasa. You shouldn't be straining your ankle." he waves a hand towards the door and turns back to his papers, once again impassive, "You're dismissed."

Mikasa doesn't move. Instead, she settles into the chair across from him, no longer furious but obviously still unhappy. Levi glowers, annoyed by her stubborn behavior. There are times when she can't leave well enough _alone_ , and it often proves to be exhausting; this seems to be one of those times. Levi grabs his cup and waits, preparing himself for another long-winded argument that will ultimately get them nowhere. His assumption is correct.

"I didn't do anything wrong, Captain." She states, a little more calm now. Levi frowns, clearly disagreeing.

"Yeah, you did, and it got you a busted ankle to boot." He crosses his arms and leans back, "Not to mention it cost our squad one member."

"I can still work," she says quickly, as if the crutches leaning beside her don't exist, "We're constantly in the air, anyway, and it's just a sprain-"

"One that'll take a month to heal," he deadpans, unyielding. Mikasa throws up her hands, annoyed.

"It's not even as severe as yours was-"

"You're _limping_ , Ackerman."

"Still-"

"Do you really think I'd let you go on missions with a handicap like that?" he suddenly snaps, and she blinks, taken aback. "I don't care how minor it is, or how little it hurts. Not only would you be defective, but you'd also hinder the team."

 _And you'll get yourself hurt out there._ The last thought remains unvoiced, but the concern lingers all the same. Their gazes remain locked for a few moments before Mikasa suddenly looks away, swallowing hard.

"…I don't like being useless." She murmurs quietly, so softly he almost doesn't hear it. Levi stills, seeing something akin to guilt, or perhaps dejection, flash across her expression. He frowns.

"You're not useless," he states with conviction, before sighing, "Look, you did _good_ today, even if you fucked yourself up in the process." Surprised, her expression brightens immediately. When she moves to speak, however, he holds up a hand to silence her, "But you're still _injured_ , Ackerman, and putting you out there is dangerous- and _stressful_ \- for everyone. If I _didn't_ suspend you, would you actually sit quietly and let your foot heal?" He waits for an honest reply. When her silence continues, he rolls his eyes, exasperated, "Didn't think so."

Any remaining tension leaks out of her, and finally she admits defeat. _Good_. Levi heaves a mental sigh of relief, thinking he'll finally get some peace. Of course, she chooses that moment to retaliate.

"So you're punishing me," she states, unbelieving, "because you're _worried_ about me?" Levi purses his lips, glancing away from her. When he says nothing, she has the gall to smirk at him, "How _sweet_ -"

"Shut up," he grumbles, though he doesn't deny it. "And it's hardly punishment. Most people would kill to be in your position right now, staying back and taking it easy."

"I'm not most people," she mumbles, and Levi scoffs, teasingly.

"Don't I know it."

She promptly ignores him,"I'll be bedridden for _weeks_. How did you get through it?"

"With patience," he deadpans, and smirks when she gives him a look.

Mikasa leans back into her chair, staring at her foot morosely."What am I supposed to _do_ until then?" She peers at Levi suddenly, a thought occurring to her, "And what about Eren?"

For a reason unknown to him, his good mood suddenly diminishes. Something bitter coils in his gut, but he quickly dismisses it.

"He's taking time off so that Four-Eyes can poke around at him," he slides her a look that's the slightest bit condescending, "You can spend your time procreating with Jaeger, if you so choose." He mutters this with surprising venom, and she blinks at him owlishly. Levi tilts his head, "You _do_ know how children are made, right?" he jeers, sipping his tea as he scans over the documents before him.

"It's not like that with Eren," she snaps, and he scoffs derisively. There's a moment of complete silence, and Levi thinks he's finally pushed her far enough to leave the matter alone. And then he hears it. "Where _do_ babies come from?"

Levi promptly chokes on his tea.

Coughing and spluttering, he swiftly sets his cup down and stares at her with a mix of disbelief and horror,"I… _what_?"

Unbelievable. He _must_ have misheard her. Yet, the woman before him merely tilts her head, genuinely curious. Infuriatingly calm, Mikasa repeats her question,"Where do babies come from?"

He waits a beat. Then two, then three. When she continues to stare at him, as if truly expecting an answer, the sick feeling in his gut intensifies."You've got to be shitting me."

Her brows furrow, obviously annoyed,"I'm being serious."

"You expect me to believe a _twenty_ year old, _military_ _woman_ doesn't know where children come from." he scoffs, incredulous and more than a little suspicious. Mikasa has the audacity to _huff_ at him.

"Yes. Otherwise, I wouldn't be _asking_ you right now," she sasses back, crossing her arms resolutely. Realizing she's completely serious- and _still_ awaiting his answer- Levi stiffens the slightest bit.

"Didn't your mother enlighten you at some point in your life?" he snaps without thinking, and this time it's Mikasa who stiffens. Immediately, Levi feels a twinge of remorse.

"I don't exactly have the best track record with mothers, Levi." she says dolefully, and he's never wanted to kick himself more, "They passed away before they could tell me." Mikasa shrugs, and the melancholy mood breaks, much to his relief. She gives him an expectant look, waiting for an answer to her question, and just like that the awkwardness returns.

Levi runs a hand through his hair, dismayed and uncomfortable.

"I can't believe this," he mutters to himself, aghast, before his gaze swings back to hers,"Why the hell are you asking _me_? Of all the people you could've possibly gone to-"

"You're my captain, and my squad leader," Mikasa cuts in smoothly, as if the answer is obvious, "I've trained directly under you, too, and you're one of the few people I trust completely-" the warmth he feels as she says this unexpectedly blindsides him "-you have more experience than probably anyone I know, and you always have an answer to everything. Why _wouldn't_ I come to you?"

She has a point. Still, it's not enough to sway him. "No."

She raises an eyebrow, " _You're_ the one who brought up 'procreating' in the first place. Finish what you started." Levi's gaze narrows sharply at that. The sheer _audacity_ of this girl-

"Look, Ackerman," he snarls, more than a little peeved, "I'm not giving you the _talk_ , and I'm sure as hell not explaining childbirth to you, either," feeling unnerved by her gaze, he glares at her and tries to dismiss her forcefully,"Go ask Four-Eyes."

The attempt proves ineffective; if anything, Mikasa seems all the more determined to sit there and agonize him. "Like you said, Hange's busy," she says, unperturbed, then gives him a sly look, "Besides, she recommended _you_ for answers the last time I asked." At that moment, Levi vows to skin the scientist the next time he sees her- slowly, and _painfully_. Mikasa suddenly leans in and peers at him, "Don't bring her into this." she says warningly, then continues "I don't care about how uncomfortable this makes you, Shortie. I'm not letting this go until you give me answers."

"I said _no_ ," he bites back, feeling like a cornered animal. When she opens her mouth to speak, Levi gives her his most threatening stare, _daring_ her to ask."I _swear_ Ackerman-"

"Please?" she asks, quietly, and that makes him pause- because in all the time he's known her, Mikasa has never once begged him for anything, even in dire situations. The look she's giving him right now, mild and hopeful, isn't helping, either. Against his better judgement, something in him caves the slightest bit.

Dammit, he's growing fucking _soft_ -

"…Alright, fine," he finally sighs, knowing he's going to regret this decision later, "What do you want to know?" Her grey eyes light up, and he'd be lying if he says he isn't a little pleased by the change.

That feeling quickly fades, however, once she begins questioning him.

"Where do children come from? Armin said they don't come from storks." She says this with utter seriousness, and he doesn't know what to question first- how she's gone so long believing _storks_ are responsible for human evolution, or how Armin has the gall to rectify facts only halfheartedly, leaving _other_ people to clean up his messes. Feeling vengeful, he decides on the latter.

"Did Arlert tell you where they _do_ come from?" Levi can't help but sass, and Mikasa shakes her head broodingly.

"No, he and Eren left before I could ask any further. They said they had other things to do after the mission." She looks at him and shrugs, "So here I am."

 _Finish what you started_ , indeed. Levi's eyes narrow balefully. Of course he's stuck in this awkward situation because of those two brats. Leave it to Arlert and Jaeger to ruin his life, once again.

She's giving him that awaiting glance again, and Levi decides to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"Babies are…born." Simple enough start.

Mikasa isn't impressed, however. "Born _how_?"

Deciding to keep it straightforward, Levi shrugs,"Women give birth to them."

"Women? _All_ women?" she pauses, before her eyes widen, "Wait, can _I_ -"

" _No_." he says hurriedly, then backtracks, "I mean, you probably can, if you wanted to." Great, things are already getting weird. Frowning, he rephrases his previous statement," _Most_ women can have children, but only if they're pregnant."

"Meaning?"

"If they have a baby growing inside them." Seeing where this is going, Levi feels a migraine begin to form.

Mikasa seems genuinely surprised- and vaguely revolted. "Children grow inside us? Like _parasites_?"

Making a disgusted sound, Levi scowls,"Great visual. But essentially, yes." Then, as an afterthought, "For nine months."

"So long," she mutters to herself, before glancing back to him,"But…how does the baby _come out_?" And that's when his migraine spikes. Images of screaming, bloody women flood his mind, and he grimaces.

"Childbirth," he says, tactlessly. Mikasa isn't satisfied in the least.

"That doesn't answer my question."

Struggling to describe the process, he waves a hand awkwardly before him, "The woman goes into labor…and… _pushes_ the baby out." He isn't exactly wrong, the course _is_ pretty clear-cut.

Ever curious and stubborn, Mikasa leans in attentively, "From where?" Levi instantly pales, feeling his mouth dry. And, dammit, he's out of tea. "Actually, wait. How do babies even _get_ into pregnant women?"

And here arrives the dreaded topic, the root of all misery for expectant parents and nosy children everywhere. At a loss, Levi avoids eye contact, trying to word this as delicately as possible."Through…a process."

Alright, perhaps a tad _too_ delicate that time. Mikasa sighs, tired of his ambiguous responses, and attempts to spur him forward, "Which is…?"

"Specific, and intimate," he mutters irately, pushing his cup aside for a lack of anything to do.

Unamused, Mikasa actually glares at him this time, " _Levi_ -"

"Oh for fuck's sake, they have _sex_ ," he snaps, deciding to bite the bullet by the head, "Women have sex with men to get pregnant."

She nods, happy that they're getting somewhere, even if _he_ isn't."What _is_ sex?"

"Rutting. Banging. Hooking up. Fucking," he lists, as if the synonyms will somehow make this conversation run more smoothly, "It's all sex."

"I didn't ask for a thesaurus, Captain." she deadpans, ignoring his glare, "what is it?"

Rankled, Levi says the first thing that comes to mind,"When two people sleep together."

"Sleep together…wait," Mikasa's eyes widen comically, "Eren and I have had _sex_?" Then thinking about previous missions, where the she and Levi had slept in close quarters, she suddenly motions between them anxiously, " _We've had sex?_ "

His stomach drops.

" _No!_ " he exclaims quickly, forcing back any images her words conjure forth, and he swallows hard, " _Hell_ no, _no one's_ had sex, _that's not_ what sex is, it's not _literally_ sleeping together-"

Her shoulders sag in relief, before her ire returns with a vengeance,"Then _what is it?"_

His babbling finishes as abruptly as it begins. Because shit, he's not ready for this. Fucking _kill him now_.

Sometimes, it amazes him how easily she can undo him with only a couple of words. This is, by far, one of the truest examples of those moments. But Levi is a hardy individual by nature, and also quite prideful. With feigned ease, he attempts to deliver what he originally set out to explain.

"It's when, _shit_ ," he pauses, struggling to find the most appropriate words, "When a man and a woman-wait, no. When _two people_ love each other very much… or are very _attracted_ to one another- and they go somewhere private. Strip off their clothes and…insert, or _mesh_ their… parts together."

Levi is not proud of the verbal mess that just fell out of his mouth. From the looks of it, neither is Mikasa- though she seems more confused than anything.

"Their…parts?"

Of course, _that_ tidbit is her line of focus. "Yes."

" _What_ parts?"Apparently, elaboration is in order.

Levi is quick to deliver, albeit inelegantly, " _The ones below their belts._ "

"The- oh." She seems to understand, thankfully, and he has a moment of reprieve. A beat passes. Then, "How?"

He purses his lips, trying to explain in the plainest of terms,"Like…a lock and a key." Again, simple enough. And visuals are great, regardless.

"But… how do you get a baby like that?" she asks, and his unease escalates with her followup question, "And when do you- how do you know when to stop, um… _unlocking?_ "

And, surprisingly, this is where Levi loses the last bit of his patience, and composure. Because _fuck_ this. He isn't going to sit here and describe what the hell an _orgasm_ is to his _subordinate_. He stands up so fast that his chair screeches against the hardwood and nearly topples to the floor. Mikasa jerks back, startled by the sudden motion. Levi bares his teeth.

"Fuck this, I'm _done_." he snarls, "I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. If you want answers, get them from someone else." Feeling winded and tired all at once, Levi falls back into his chair, drained and exasperated. "Now leave me _alone_ , Ackerman."

For a moment, only silence fills the room. Then Mikasa casually stands, paying mind to her ankle, and does the last thing he expects. She crosses her arms and _smirks_.

"What?" she inquires innocently, cocking her head to the side playfully, "You're not going to explain what an _orgasm_ is to me?" Levi's head snaps up so fast, he's surprised he doesn't receive a whiplash from the speed.

In a deathly quiet voice, he asks,"What?"

"An orgasm." she says without skipping a beat, "The 'explosive discharge of muscular tensions at the height of sexual arousal, often accompanied by the ejaculation of semen in the male, and by vaginal contractions in the female.' It's all pretty straightforward, actually."

This new development only takes seconds to process, and it doesn't take long for him to realize he's been duped- _horribly so_.

Fury slowly unfurls in the pit of his stomach, humiliation fueling the flames until they're licking at his insides,"You knew," Levi clenches his jaw, _outraged_ , "You fucking knew."

"I'm turning twenty-one in a _month_ , Levi." she chides him, obviously amused, "Of course I knew."

Despite knowing her so well, Levi realizes, sourly, that he's greatly miscalculated her. Not only is she brash and childish and _infuriating_ , but apparently she's a damn good actress, too. _And a vindictive brat, too._ Feeling foolish, and more than a little angry, he throws out his arm, "Then what was the point of all this?"

"For fun," she shrugs, "and out of spite." She glares at him then, grey eyes glinting like steel, "Next time, don't goad me after a mission, then call me childish."

His temper spikes. _The gall of her_ -

Levi clenches his fists and growls, "You little _shit_ -"

"I can't believe you couldn't describe what _sex_ was," she cuts in, then starts laughing, "Not to mention you deserted any kind of scientific explanation. I didn't think the technical terms 'penis' and 'vagina' were so hard to say," Mikasa cracks a smile, eyes shining with glee, "Though I have to admit, the 'lock and key' analogy was a good one. Very creative."

To his horror, Levi feels his face heating up. Mortified and downright _pissed_ , Levi gnarls, "Shut _up_ -"

"I fear for any future children you have." she interrupts, lifting the crutches from where they leaned against his desk. She grins, "For their sake, I hope you reserve the talk for someone a _little_ more qualified-"

" _Get out_ ," he snaps lowly, "before I do much more than just _suspend_ you." His agitation mounts further when Mikasa only chuckles in response, limping out of his office with far too much satisfaction for his liking. She's almost out the doorway when she abruptly pauses, turning back to him.

"Thank you, Captain," she suddenly murmurs, completely serious and sincere, "for taking care of me." The sudden shift in mood takes him by surprise, and despite his ire, the soft smile she give him cools some of his temper. Then her smile widens impishly, "And for the record," she continues, tossing him one last teasing look, "I'd _much_ rather procreate with _you_." His breath catches, caught off guard, and Mikasa smirks before shutting the door behind her.

Levi sits there, winded and trying to ignore his rapidly beating heart. He realizes, belatedly, that his face is still burning. Reports long forgotten, Levi runs a hand through his hair and grumbles, spitefully, " _Infuriating woman._ "

* * *

 **Fun Fact: My parents never gave me the talk. My sister handed me a dictionary when the time came, and when I had questions, she summarized the whole process with surprising scientific detail. My mom, being a prude by nature, wasinfinitely relieved to have dodged that responsibility lol**

 **As i said, this was hard to write, but i hope this suffices :)**


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